Courage to See Things as They Are

How Mindfulness Meditation Helps You to Accept Reality, Cope with Failure, and Develop Patience

by Venerable U Dhammasami

To see things as they truly are is the very accomplished task of wisdom. Once we see things as they are, we will have accepted the world as it is, and not create any more suffering. We shall no longer wish the world to be other than it is. We shall no longer create conflict.

However, to see things as they actually are in practice is something of an uphill task. In meditation, we discover that we are not ready to accept something as it truly is even if it presents itself to us. For instance, when discovering the mind wandering, we cannot accept it. Instead of contemplating and accepting it, we become impatent and disappointed. Unconsciously and at times consciously we deny it. We are not only reacting to the wandering mind but also rejecting it at the same time. This is the case when observing tension and numbness, to give you a couple of examples.

When tension presents itself to our senses, what we normally do is shake our shoulders to get rid of it. This happens because we do not have courage to objectively look at it. We are trying to run away from it. Without accepting it, we cannot learn anything from it.

We can stand tension physically but it it is very hard to do so mentally. You can sit and talk to your friend without much difficulty for one hour but to meditate for one hour is hard for many. Because in meditation, you experience tension in the mind whereas you pay no attention to it at all while talking to your friend. You are just experiencing it physically, but not in the mind. In the same way in meditation, when you open your eyes, tension seems to disappear immediately because you no longer experience it with your mind. Tension, in reaity, is not taken away by just opening your eyes. Physically you continue to experience it.

Mindfulness is to build up courage to accept things such as tension in our body. They are part of our life and there is no way we can get rid of them altogether. Life has to be lived in reality, not in abstract thinking. We have to adjust ourselves to the reality of the world in order to enjoy life.

Pain, tension, disappointment etc., are the realities of the world. We have to adjust ourselves to their existence. However, this can happen only when wisdom is present. This wisdom is acquired from directly experiencing these realities.

A newborn baby finds it too hard to accept the harsh touch of a nurse's hands. The baby has been literally snapped out of the secure environment of the mother's womb and is exposed suddenly to the unfamiliar, the perils of a new world. The wind outside his mother's womb is so cruel for the very tender skin of the baby. The wash and the towel do not seem very kind. It is too much for the baby to bear. He cries immediately and continuously. However, there is not much that the nurse can do to help relieve the baby from those pains caused by her hands, seemingly gentle, yet unbearably rough for the baby. The mother cannot ease those pains either. The baby has to adjust himself to the hard reality of life outside his mother's womb. He matures as he accepts reality. He stops crying perhaps in less than an hour. We have to adjust to the reality of life by accepting it and maturing ourselves by directly experiencing it. We have to open, not close ourselves to it.

In daily life, stress and frustration at work are real. To see things turning out in a way other than the way we expect, unfulfilled desire and disappointment are the realities we face day in and day out.

They are there as a part of life. They demand acknowledgment and comprehension through mindfulness. As we accept them by paying bare attention, these unfulfilled desires and disappointments are halted in their progression of creating more suffering in our mind. This is the way to create peace.

There are many different degrees of seeing something as it really is. At one stage, an awareness of its existence means seeing it as it is. Yet in another, noting the moment it vanishes becomes wisdom. Still futher, seeing the arising of the object (such as wandering mind, frustration and disappointment) is considered wisdom. Mindfulness is stronger at this point. At a more advanced level, wisdom requires seeing the thing as a part of a process, in other words, seeing its immediate cause. This leads to the detached mind. As the mind becomes detached from an object, it greatly reduces reacting, which is effectively the creation of suffering.

At work, we know that for one reason or another some people are easily agitated, That is a reality at that time. Nevertheless, we just cannot accept it. Consequently, we become agitated. We know by experience that someone is arrogant, which is a reality. Nevertheless, we cannot take him as he is. We want him to behave the way we want. Thus we create suffering for ourselves. We have not the courage to accept him as he is. In brief, we fail to take the real world as it is. Instead, we keep living in a delusive world of our own making. Mindfulness of things as they are will give rise to this badly needed courage.

Coping With Failure

In meditation, there are people who think of themselves as failures. Not being able to make one's mind concentrated is enough to make one feel a sense of failure, particularly when they hear other people talking that once they enter into meditation, the mind just becomes calm and concentrated, never straying away from breathing. Some set a target for themselves but the mind keeps wandering and at times they get more frustrated, it appears to them that realizing the desired results may not be achieved. Bringing the mind back to the primary object does not seem to help either. The mind never seems settled.

There are many reasons for one feeling a sense of failure. Maybe the expectation is too high and one is not aware of one's own expectation or one has not learnt how to deal with expectation itself. By and large, people come to be disappointed in meditation when they are unable to keep the mind focused on one point, especially breathing or abdominal movements. There are those also who feel defeated in their efforts because sounds and various thoughts disturb them. The experience seems to be driving them to the limit of their ability. The problem is one of being unable to accept the inability.

This is largely due to the judgmental mind. The principle of a non-judgmental approach to Vipassana is not being heeded. A judgmental mind conditions many things: wanting to be something and not wanting to be something. There is a strong desire "to be." Vipassana essentially aims at seeing such desire. However, it could be very despairing to see some of our real experiences in Vipassana meditation. We are not yet ready to see things such as disappointment and the prospect of unfulfilled expectation. While hoping for the best, we are not at all prepared for the worst.

Taking the wandering mind just as another meditation object to observe and contemplate, we could have avoided being disappointed. By observing the judgmental mind, there could be an escape from being trapped in confusion. The mind keeps wanting to be something else (a concentrated mind) all the time, unable to open to the conditions at that present moment, which is wandering. There is also an element of "want" manifested in wanting not to be something, like having a wandering mind. The judgmental mind itself is trapped in two extremes, wanting to get rid of something and wanting to be something else. Just watching and observing these extremes can help one out of being judgmental. Watching and not reacting are other aspects of mindfulness working the Middle Way which abandons the two opposite extreme approaches.

There is no failure in meditation. Any effort is rewarding in one way or another. We come to learn a lot about how the mind functions, not least the danger of leaving it untrained. It is helpful to remind ourselves that not all failures are necessarily an indication of weakness. The ascetic Gautama, before his enlightenment, went through some kinds of failure, if we may say so. He did not obtain the solution he was seeking from the two best-known meditation masters, Alara Kalama and Uddaka Ramaputta. Having decided to leave a princely life, he found himself not nearer to the set goal. A few years, not just a few meditation sessions, of harsh practices that followed did not bring him any reward either. Six years is a long time for someone who is searching extensively and making an earnest effort like ascetic Gautama. He could have called off all his efforts if not for his strong resolve and patience. He made progress through learning from his own failures. His efforts bore fruits in the end, and we benefit from them now. Therefore, determination and patience are important friends in coping with failure.

Meditatively, we should endeavor to cope with failure in two ways. First by cultivating the right attitude towards failure or rather, a perceived sense of failure as discussed earlier. Secondly, we should be mindful of the sense of failure itself and the response to it such as disappointment, frustration and impatience.

Awareness in these cases will prove that developing concentration alone is not sufficient. There are also other very indispensable qualities like determination (aditthana) and patience (khanti) to develop in meditation. Mindfulness helps one to achieve them.

Developing Patience

We are aware of how we can be impatient when being agitated or distracted continuously. Even the sound coming from a cat's movements can disturb us enormously and make us very distracted. With continued distraction, we may become impatient and think of getting rid of the cat. Impatience has developed. In such circumstances, we should merely observe the impatience and not try to get rid of the cat. We should try to see how it is changing us and making us a different person.

It is neither the cat who is making noises nor you who are getting agitated that is to be blamed. Both the cat and agitation are just meditation objects. Go through the agitated moments mindfully experiencing them. You will find that agitation leaves no lasting impact on your mind, and at the end of the day, you are as happy as ever, not being overshadowed or overcome by this agitation.

At the beginning it is also crucial to view impatience in the right context. Impatience is not something to be regarded as something to reject. It is just another meditation object. Do not blame yourself for being impatient. Do not justify your being impatient either. Try to accept it and go through it mindfully.

Patience is a very important quality of mind. Without it, we stand to lose a lot in life. The way to develop patience is to observe impatience itself when it arises. Again, notice it in relation to the initial object so that impatience will not carry you away.

Having patience means not to get agitated or frustrated easily. Of course, you still do what you should do in normal life. Nevertheless, you are able to keep yourself calm in the face of unsatisfying circumstances. Patience does not mean you do nothing, being inactive and staying idle. The Buddha took whatever measure necessary to teach the monks without being agitated. Not all the monks were wonderful even during the time of the Buddha. Sometimes he has to ask them to leave the monastery for being so naughty.

When pain arises, you notice that. You do not change your posture immediately but try your best to observe it as long as possible. This is patience. When the pain increases and becomes unbearable, you can change your posture slowly and mindfully. You are still a patient person. You do not torture yourself by carrying out what is beyond your limit.

When you have patience, you have more courage to face things in life. Patience is not a negative factor as some would like to think. It is a very positive quality. Patience is developed along with determination when you make an effort to observe pain. Patience and determination are virtues to be cultivated, not gifts. Together they help you to be active and at the same time stable. Patience alone without determination can be dull and inactive. Determination devoid of patience brings anxiety and pressure.

The opposite of patience is irritation, agitation, aversion, impatience, disappointment, frustration, anger and hatred. The more we confront and deal with these opposite natures in the meditative way the more we develop patience.

Patience is helpful to mindfulness. It is an ability to sustain us in times of difficulty. It is a sign of stability, and being harmonious with oneself, the lack of which could only mean that one is unsteady and restless.

"We can do anything we want to do if we stick to it long enough."-Helen Keller